Well, I don’t even know how to begin to describe what all has been going on. As you can see I haven’t been very active the past few months.
My mom passed away early July. To make things even worse, I found out that everything she pretty much ever said to me was untrue and learned of massive betrayals. My mom had a mental illness called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I have been studying and learning all about it and how this illness affects people who have it and their children.
It is a very sad and devastating thing to learn how your parent has destroyed their own family. My sisters and I were lied to all our lives and pitted against each other. We were divided, silenced, used and manipulated.
I am not exaggerating when I say pretty much everything I have ever been told was a lie. I have to tap the ground with my feet to believe it is really there as I am so shaken up to the core by the fact that everything I thought was reality was in fact not so.
This has been really devastating and things starting slowly coming out before she passed. There was a lot of drama and craziness several months before she died. I didn’t even speak to her or visit her the last 6 six weeks of her life because I couldn’t look her in the eye or bare to listen to any more lies which she continued to make until to death. I didn’t know how to cope with everything and how to face her. I didn’t want to go off on her yet I couldn’t keep it in either, I am open book, I cannot hide my feelings. I felt the merciful thing to do was just stay away. It was such a strange situation and too many things to deal with at the same time.
I lost my mother twice, I lost the person I thought was my mother as well as the physical person who gave birth to me. It was a double loss and a double death for me to grieve.
My mother was extremely charming and if you met her you would have thought her to be the sweetest person you ever met. Growing up she was my best friend. I trusted her completely. She was a master con artist and master manipulator and a pathological liar which I am learning is par for the course for NPD. She could keep her plates spinning and all her lies in tact for years and years until she got really sick and things started to slip. Also sisters started to talk because of the situation. When I was at her burial I wanted to scream, WHO ARE YOU?! I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!
I have no idea who she was. All I know is that her lies caught with her and her web finally disintegrated and almost took all of her family along with it. She wasn’t the person I thought she was. My family are not who I thought they were. We are learning what roles we played in the NPD parent dynamic. For example I was the Golden Child, I have another sister who was the Scapegoat child.
I lost my mother but gained back my sisters. I have no idea what it is like to have sisters really. We have all learned devastating things throughout this summer and now the next step is to learn about it and understand it and then move on and make sure we outgrow these wounds so that they do not repeat in our lives.
Here is a helpful link about NPD parents,
I am also reading this book, called “Children of the Self Absorbed, A Grown Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.”
My heart is with anyone who can relate to this.
I can forgive but it will take a lot of processing. She was mentally ill but it still has devastated all of us. We need to understand it and process it and no longer be in silence. People need to know about this illness and know about this and how it works. I know there are others out there who are silenced or know something is wrong but don’t know what it is. There is a name, there are patterns, this is a thing and has been studied and that means also that people have learned how to cope and how to grow from this. I want people to know about these things. I want to be a voice for those that still are silenced.
At the end of the day, I can still laugh, I still have joy as well as my sadness. I am responsible for me and it is on me to outgrow my wounds, I am not a victim, I am a survivor trying to figure out how to survive better. And really I am not so angry as I am convicted to share my story as I know others are going through this but don’t know that they are not alone. People need to know of patterns and things that have happened so that they can hopefully avoid it happening to them, get out of it if it is happening to them or know that they are not alone in going through it.