Well, I don’t even know how to begin to describe what all has been going on. As you can see I haven’t been very active the past few months.
My mom passed away early July. To make things even worse, I found out that everything she pretty much ever said to me was untrue and learned of massive betrayals. My mom had a mental illness called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I have been studying and learning all about it and how this illness affects people who have it and their children.
It is a very sad and devastating thing to learn how your parent has destroyed their own family. My sisters and I were lied to all our lives and pitted against each other. We were divided, silenced, used and manipulated.
I am not exaggerating when I say pretty much everything I have ever been told was a lie. I have to tap the ground with my feet to believe it is really there as I am so shaken up to the core by the fact that everything I thought was reality was in fact not so.
This has been really devastating and things starting slowly coming out before she passed. There was a lot of drama and craziness several months before she died. I didn’t even speak to her or visit her the last 6 six weeks of her life because I couldn’t look her in the eye or bare to listen to any more lies which she continued to make until to death. I didn’t know how to cope with everything and how to face her. I didn’t want to go off on her yet I couldn’t keep it in either, I am open book, I cannot hide my feelings. I felt the merciful thing to do was just stay away. It was such a strange situation and too many things to deal with at the same time.
I lost my mother twice, I lost the person I thought was my mother as well as the physical person who gave birth to me. It was a double loss and a double death for me to grieve.
My mother was extremely charming and if you met her you would have thought her to be the sweetest person you ever met. Growing up she was my best friend. I trusted her completely. She was a master con artist and master manipulator and a pathological liar which I am learning is par for the course for NPD. She could keep her plates spinning and all her lies in tact for years and years until she got really sick and things started to slip. Also sisters started to talk because of the situation. When I was at her burial I wanted to scream, WHO ARE YOU?! I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!
I have no idea who she was. All I know is that her lies caught with her and her web finally disintegrated and almost took all of her family along with it. She wasn’t the person I thought she was. My family are not who I thought they were. We are learning what roles we played in the NPD parent dynamic. For example I was the Golden Child, I have another sister who was the Scapegoat child.
We have all learned devastating things throughout this summer and now the next step is to learn about it and understand it and then move on and make sure we outgrow these wounds so that they do not repeat in our lives.
What is especially fascinating is the distinct patterns of parenting NPD parents have. They will triangulate their children so that the parent is the only source of trust and info and will do or say things to make the children at odds and war with each other in order to achieve this. They will lie about what a sibling said about another sibling for example.
They will apply roles to the children, for example, one will be the
Scapegoat Child who will never do right and is to blame for everything and another will be the Golden Child who can do no wrong and is lavished with love but is being groomed to be a mini me and also to take care of the parent. The Scapegoat child will never get love from the parent but the parent dangles that approval and love in front of them as a way to manipulate and control, what is sad is that no matter what the scapegoat does- they will never get that carrot.
They infantilize their children and do things to ensure arrested development as they do not want the child or children to be independent and self actualized. They want control of the child and they also want codependence. In my life as an example, I was supposed to be home-schooled starting in 9nth grade but I never had even 5 minutes of schooling and never had one day of High School. I was told my education didn’t matter because the world was going to end in Y2K and there was no future for me. My mother would tell me all the time that I could live with her forever and that she would take care of me. Ironically, and this is something I sadly never caught on to, was that I was working constantly and giving her every penny I made. I was paying her mortgage bills and yet she was going to “take care of me.” She by the way, didn’t work at all and looked down on women who did and told me that women who have careers were failures as women.
Here are helpful links about NPD parents,
I am also reading this book, called “Children of the Self Absorbed, A Grown Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.”
My heart is with anyone who can relate to this.
I can forgive but it will take a lot of processing. She was mentally ill but it still has devastated all of us. We need to understand it and process it and no longer be in silence. People need to know about this illness and know about this and how it works. I know there are others out there who are silenced or know something is wrong but don’t know what it is. There is a name, there are patterns, this is a thing and has been studied and that means also that people have learned how to cope and how to grow from this. I want people to know about these things. I want to be a voice for those that still are silenced.
At the end of the day, I can still laugh, I still have joy as well as my sadness. I am responsible for me and it is on me to outgrow my wounds, I am not a victim, I am a survivor trying to figure out how to survive better. And really I am not so angry as I am convicted to share my story as I know others are going through this but don’t know that they are not alone. People need to know of patterns and things that have happened so that they can hopefully avoid it happening to them, get out of it if it is happening to them or know that they are not alone in going through it.