Topsy Turvy Summer

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Well, I don’t even know how to begin to describe what all has been going on. As you can see I haven’t been very active the past few months.

My mom passed away early July. To make things even worse, I found out that everything she pretty much ever said to me was untrue and learned of massive betrayals. My mom had a mental illness called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I have been studying and learning all about it and how this illness affects people who have it and their children.

It is a very sad and devastating thing to learn how your parent has destroyed their own family. My sisters and I were lied to all our lives and pitted against each other. We were divided, silenced, used and manipulated.

I am not exaggerating when I say pretty much everything I have ever been told was a lie. I have to tap the ground with my feet to believe it is really there as I am so shaken up to the core by the fact that everything I thought was reality was in fact not so.

This has been really devastating and things starting  slowly coming out before she passed. There was a lot of drama and craziness several months before she died. I didn’t even speak to her or visit her the last 6 six weeks of her life because I couldn’t look her in the eye or bare to listen to any more lies which she continued to make until to death. I didn’t know how to cope with everything and how to face her. I didn’t want to go off on her yet I couldn’t keep it in either, I am open book, I cannot hide my feelings. I felt the merciful thing to do was just stay away. It was such a strange situation and too many things to deal with at the same time.

I lost my mother twice, I lost the person I thought was my mother as well as the physical person who gave birth to me. It was a double loss and a double death for me to grieve.

My mother was extremely charming and if you met her you would have thought her to be the sweetest person you ever met. Growing up she was my best friend. I trusted her completely.  She was a master con artist and master manipulator and a pathological liar which I am learning is par for the course for NPD. She could keep her plates spinning and all her lies in tact for years and years until she got really sick and things started to slip. Also sisters started to talk because of the situation. When I was at her burial I wanted to scream, WHO ARE YOU?! I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!

I have no idea who she was. All I know is that her lies caught with her and her web finally disintegrated and almost took all of her family along with it. She wasn’t the person I thought she was. My family are not who I thought they were. We are learning what roles we played in the NPD parent dynamic. For example I was the Golden Child, I have another sister who was the Scapegoat child.

I lost my mother but gained back my sisters. I have no idea what it is like to have sisters really. We have all learned devastating things throughout this summer and now the next step is to learn about it and understand it and then move on and make sure we outgrow these wounds so that they do not repeat in our lives.

Here is a helpful link about NPD parents,

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/

I am also reading this book, called “Children of the Self Absorbed, A Grown Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.”

My heart is with anyone who can relate to this.

I can forgive but it will take a lot of processing. She was mentally ill but it still has devastated all of us. We need to understand it and process it and no longer be in silence. People need to know about this illness and know about this and how it works. I know there are others out there who are silenced or know something is wrong but don’t know what it is. There is a name, there are patterns, this is a thing and has been studied and that means also that people have learned how to cope and how to grow from this. I want people to know about these things. I want to be a voice for those that still are silenced.

At the end of the day, I can still laugh, I still have joy as well as my sadness. I am responsible for me and it is on me to outgrow my wounds, I am not a victim, I am a survivor trying to figure out how to survive better. And really I am not so angry as I am convicted to share my story as I know others are going through this but don’t know that they are not alone. People need to know of patterns and things that have happened so that they can hopefully avoid it happening to them, get out of it if it is happening to them or know that they are not alone in going through it.

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12 responses »

  1. Thank you for sharing. I hope getting it all out and educating people will help you come to terms with all that you and your family have been through and continue to process. You can’t rush forgiveness. You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got and your feelings are real and valid. You are on a journey and it is yours. It will take you where you need to go at your own pace.
    I’m really proud of you for being so open. I have a good feeling that you are going to come through this a stronger and wiser woman. Take good care of yourself and remember your mother’s illness doesn’t define who you are.
    Lot’s of love!,
    Kimberly

  2. Yes, NPD can be devastating on a family…but the fact that you are a SURVIVOR…unfortunately not without scars…but survivor none the less. You are educating yourself and others about its affects, so now you can begin to heal. It’s awful that it took her dying for the “Real truths to come forward. Prayers go out to you and your family and all that are affected.

    • Thank you so much for your reply and support. I am a survivor of an NPD parent who is trying to survive better,lol. I need to outgrow my wounds and make sure I understand so I don’t repeat.

  3. Patriicia, I am so sorry. My mother passed away two weeks ago. My mother was, like yours, charming and sweet and those who did not know her often would tell me what a treasure. But the reality was she was deeply damaged. Unable to connect to anyone outside herself, she instead relied on manipulation, anger, alcohol, well, you get the picture. Our family was completely fractured by abuse and neglect. I was able to connect to my sister before she died at a young age of cancer – but my two brothers were lost to me completely and there is no healing. One recently died and the other still believes my mom was an angel – still not realizing that he was convenient and useful to her and nothing more. I knew these things about my mom all my life and my only “mistake” was in not cutting her out earlier. Instead I had the silly notion that I could somehow have an impact on my siblings if I stayed in touch. I finally cut her out two years ago but I wasted so much precious time and emotional energy before reaching that point. I am so glad that you and your siblings are trying to recover your relationship. It will help. Look for bums along the road but with knowledge comes power. Though it is small comfort, I hope you can process that your mother was deeply damaged and did not set out in life to create the chaos and mess that she has left behind. Though I will not call her a “victim” as that word sounds like it gets her off the hook for the devastation. It doesn’t. But you already know that it is much more complicated than just someone deciding they are going to get up one day and start lying to everyone and making people’s lives hell. She made choices, even in her mental illness. And she is responsible for those. God bless you in your movement forward. Unravel what you can, understand what and when you can. Grieve for what was lost and let that anger and grief confirm for you what you WILL NOT become and WILL NOT do with your own precious life. And let it go as you can. You are a talented, caring, hopeful, helpful person, with many friends who care about you. Hugs and prayers.

    • Thank you for this response. Sorry you had to go through what you went through. I like and agree with everything you said and appreciate it immensely. First step is to realize and acknowledge what happened, really face and understand it and then set out to outgrow these wounds so that they do not repeat and I pass them down to my daughter. Part of not being the victim is realizing what happened, facing it, being honest, and then checking yourself and making sure you don’t stay in the swamp but get out and realize how you are responsible for your life and what you do and how you treat other people. I don’t want to do to my daughter what my mother did to me. I first have to even understand what and why she did what she did and look at how it affected me and so I can see how I need to grow, get some direction.

    • It is going to be a process. She was mentally ill but it still has devastated all of us. We need to understand it and process it and no longer be in silence. People need to know about this illness and know about this and how it works. I know there are others out there who are silenced or know something is wrong but don’t know what it is. There is a name, there are patterns, this is a thing and has been studied. I want people to know about these things. I can forgive only after I am not silenced any longer.

      • Patricia, you write “I can forgive only after I am not silenced any longer”… what if Jesus had put a condition on forgiving us? You will feel a lot more peace a lot more sooner if you forgive first and then seek answers to questions.

      • I understand I need to forgive. And really I am not so angry as I am convicted to share my story as I know others are going through this but don’t know that they are not alone. People need to know of patterns and things that have happened so that they can hopefully avoid it happening to them, get out of it if it is happening to them or know that they are not alone in going through it. My mom was ill, and I am upset and in shock and devastated. Forgiveness is not a light switch, it is going to take some time. I am upset at the illness most of all. She was a fragile human being who did not outgrow her own wounds and I want to understand that so that I can make sure not to do the same. I am just very frank and open. God will be just in how he judges me, I am not worried about that. I know that I can be honest with what I feel and am going through. I don’t see why I can’t share what I am going through and the truth of it. It is ugly, it is horrible, I am trying to figure out how to deal with it and I am a human being myself but I can laugh at the end of the day and I am moving forward but I am not going to hide and I intend to tell my story and share what I am learning and hopefully help give a voice to others. I hope my mom will be heaven and that she can be renewed and free from her illness. I feel convicted though to share the truth. This illness is real, it has a name, it has patterns and behaviors that go along with it. I want people to understand and notice the patterns.I don’t equate forgiveness with silence.

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