I have been taking a bit of a sabbatical to focus on getting my health in order.
I have mentioned in a blog post before that I had 3 panic attacks in September and didn’t know why they were occurring. Let me tell you, panic attacks are scary. They feel and mimic the symptoms of heart attacks.
I was rushed to the emergency room and everything.
And they kept happening!
I have gone through so many medical tests trying to figure out what is going on.
I had gained a lot of weight the past several years as I felt hungry all the time and didn’t have any energy to exercise and was full of anxiety and depression. I felt tired all the time and like I never got any rest even after a full night’s sleep. I noticed I would get bruises that wouldn’t heal and that I was constantly sore and got to the point where I felt in pain all the time.
Apparently I have been going for years without sleep and have pretty severe sleep apnea.
My exhaustion had reached critical mass and thus the panic attacks. My body reached a critical threshold. Even after the three panic attacks, my body felt like hyperventilating all the time and it was all I could do to focus on breathing and I found myself falling asleep during the daytime a lot. It was hard to just stay awake.
Sleep deprivation can cause heart attack and stroke, weight gain, anxiety, and depression.
I wasn’t healing, I wasn’t recharging, repairing or restoring and I felt miserable!
I have been under treatment for the Sleep Apnea and let me just tell you, for the first time in a long time, I feel like a human being again.
I woke up one day the week of Christmas and noticed my appetite was a 1/6th of what it used to be! A SIXTH! That really caught me off guard. I didn’t even realize how hungry I was until the transition. It has been the same since and stable and continues to delightfully shock me.
Since then I have been eating super super healthy, my body doesn’t crave so much sugary and carb loaded things. I realize that I was hungry all the time and especially for carby things because my body was trying to get energy somehow since it wasn’t recharging and it needed to be loaded constantly. I now eat mostly raw vegetables and fruits, lean meats and cheeses. No sodas, just water. No sweet drinks or much sweets at all. I still eat my dark chocolate but just a tiny bit. Like I said, my body doesn’t crave sugars like it did.
Everything happened so gradually, and then it gained momentum in a bad way and I was on a crash course.
I am now exercising again and I am not so painfully sore afterwards. I don’t feel full of anxiety and depression! I actually have some hope for the first time in I can’t tell you how long. I feel like a completely different person!
I am reclaiming the girl I used to be, the one that always wore pretty outfits, I used to be dressy all the time and there was a time I felt pretty.
I lost my sense of self and felt like I could make beautiful balloons but I felt ugly and never wanted to pose with them and you will see I have rarely posted pictures of myself.
I haven’t felt pretty in a long time, I haven’t even felt like a person in a long long time.
So that is why this is a major Tricia Renaissance! I am feeling like a person again, like a totally different yet familiar person!
I dyed my hair too and am dressing up again! I feel alive and I wanted a hair color to reflect the phoenix like fire I feel!
I am so excited and am focusing most of my time and energy in getting back to my old self.
I haven’t given up on my art and I will get back into doing that again. I would like to make something at least once a week. I actually made some pretty amazing pieces when I felt horrible, I hope to imagine what I can do when I feel great!
I am busy deflating myself at the moment, lol, but I look forward to inflating some beautiful art. 🙂
I want to only focus on art that I want to do. Focus on my voice and sharing my soul through balloon art.